1. Going there by plane , cause the land is shaking
The capital Port-au-Prince is buzzing with injured people, foreigners, military and most important journalists. There are more journalists than so-called water and food aid supplies. For evey person taken out Death's grip there are 3 reporters. Hell, even MTV sent its reporters. MTV, for God's sake. MTV is a so-called music television. Why the hell would they send their people there. The Haitians need help, food, shelter, not fucking music. That's why they kicked Wyclef out.
Moving on....
The blonde reporter with an MTV badge is followed by a slightly over-weight cameraman drooling at the sight of her slim, tanned legs. She's wearing high heels, a very slimpy skirt and a red top, putting her twin ''intelligence'' in evidence. She looks good, but she'd look better in a brothel. At least she's clothed as if she'd just came out of one. They are in a part of Port-au-Prince that hasn't yet been flooded by middle-aged Americans flshing their 1500 dollars cameras taking photos of orphan kids butt-naked. Aquila was fun, but Haiti is now the paradise of disaster-tourism.
All the shacks around them are broken, shattered, on the ground. Suddenly the bimbo-reporter sees a woman burried under all the wood and concrete, only her head visible, grunting and trying to ask for help.
-Quick, this is my chance, Louie. Start the camera and pass me the lipstick, I've got to look sharp.
The Godzilla-sized cameraman starts shooting.
-This is Cheryl, reporting live from Port-au-Prince, where a devastating earthquake has devastated Port-au-Prince.
She puts the mic aside for a second.
-How am I doing, Louie?
The bulky, gum-chewing cameraman nods.
-Fine, Cheryl, we're from MTV!!!
The blonde cheers and puts the mic back closer to her mouth. She knows how to handle things close to her mouth.
-Behind us there's people trapped under the carnage, trying to escape, shouting for help....
-Help, help, save us! voices are heard from behind
-Unfortunately the military and UN forces have not yet arrived at this scene and folks are struggling for their lives.
-Help us, help us!
-The moments when survivors are found under the torn buildings are tensionate.
-Help us, help us! the voices grow louder
The young reporter turns her head towards the screaming victim.
-Listen lady, I'm trying to do a broadcast here, keep your yelps low!! Godammit!
The full-o'-burgers cameraman puts the cam recorder aside for a second and speaks.
-I think she wants help, Cheryl.That's why she's calling for it. And we should give her aid. Let's get her out.
The blonde puts a finger forward.
-Hold it right there. We ain't helping anyone. We're here to do a ''reportage'' bout these poor losers, not help them. Gee, Louie, what's gotten into you, the heat? We're from MTV , not WWF members.
-Those deal with animals, Cheryl.
The mic-handler babe adjusts her skirt and top and looks at her fingers.
-Besides, I've my nails done and polished. I ain't dirtying myself for no one. Keep the camera rolling...
Louie starts recording and says in a hush voice.
-It wouldn't be the first time you'd get dirty, that's for sure...
-What did you say?
-In one-two-three...
The bimbo restarts her intelligent remarks on the situation.
-Right behind us there's a woman severely hurt, trapped under the rests of what was her house, asking for help, feeling desperate about how her life seems to be slipping away.
-Help me, help me!
-Too bad there's nobody here to give her aid..
The victim's voice gets louder.
-Put a sock in it, bitch, I'm trying to work here!
And she rushes to her, smacking the woman in the face.
-I can't work like this! Louie, c'mon, I need a drink.
The MTV crew leaves the scene. Minutes later, two more buildings collapse. The new-arrived Eurosport reporters think they might get a Pulitzer out of it.
2. If you can't show suffering, allow your money to do it for you
The interior of the Romanian's president office. Lots of posters of naked gals hanging on the walls and a few framed mottos in Romanian lay on top of his desk. Roughly translated they would mean ''I shall not be a politician if I won't steal for myself'', ''Whatever's expected of you, do it on the contrary, only that way you'll be a prosperous politician'' and ''The voters don't expect of you anything else than promises, make sure they get their share''.
The President's bald head shines in the lit office. He's trying to change his profile picture on Facebook, but is not too expert at it.
Somebody knocks at the door, the President allows the person to enter his office. The closest of his counsellors, carrying a briefcase enters the room, salutes the President and takes a seat before him.
The briefcase is now open and files are taken out. The men look at each other.
-What is it, Horia? the President asks.
The counsellor looks a bit deranged.
-Mr President, the EU has asked us to make a donation for the Haiti Fund.
There is silence for a few seconds.
-Again with this EU! Give this, make that, allow this, cut that! Too many requests, all they do is ask! We've given them our gypsies, beggars, rapists and so on. What have they given us, Horia? What?
-Actually, they've given us back all the criminals we've left free to wander across Europe.
-Yes, you're right.But do we have to?
-Of course, mr President. All the other countries have already contributed to the Fund or will do so. On a global level at this moment only Somalia hasn't sent any help, but they'll dispose half of the 150 thousand dollars next week. Small amount, you know, civil war and all.
Thje President looks troubled.
-Ok, due to the economic crisis Romania wuill lend help of 50 thousand euros.
The counsellor remained in awe.
-Mr President, 200 thousand people have already died, there are more than double that number injured, they lack everything from water to toilet paper. I think this calls for more a substantial donation. This isn't your daughter's birthday. We'll look bad in the press!!!
-I said 50 and 50 it is. We're in the midst of a crisis here, Horia. Only the fireplace in my new viulla will cost roughly between 75 and 80 thousand. I'm decorating it with diamonds...Thus I can't afford...the country doesn't afford more than that. Besides there are lots of famous rich actors, let them pay more.
The counsellor remained in awe once more.
-But we're a country, in Europe, mr President! With all due respect, but this is a humanitary aid , not an actor's charity gala publicity stunt.
-Horia, there's the patio at my new villa that needs funds, you've no idea how much that will cost me! Are they gonna give it back?
-What? asks the counsellor
-The money!
-No, of course not, mr President.
-Well then, 50 it is. Besides they've got Wyclef and he's been stealing their funds ever since...
Horia stands up, puts the files back into the suitcase, files that the President hasn't even looked at, salutes him and leaves the office.
The President is left planning his new villa, while gratefully looking at his framed mottos and says to himself ''Traian, you're one hell of a politician!''.
The Facebook profile photo remains unchanged.
3.Let's all head to the beach, boys
A couple in their late thirties standing in the long boarding line to their flight to Haiti. They wear shorts and bermuda tee's and both carry a couple of hi-tech digital cameras and are head-to-toe clad in jewels. Behind them there's another couple, a bit older and more decently clothed, boarding for Paris.
The younger woman takes a look behind her and observes the kind-looking couple.They start discussing to make the waiting time seem a little less.
-Hi, I'm Marcia, this is my husband Steve. We're going to Haiti! the younger woman says
The men shake hands.
-Haiti? the older man asks
-Yes, we're on holiday. It's gonna be so much fun, you won't believe it! the younger male responds
The older woman and man look at each other, then resume the chatting.
-You might have not seen the latest news, but there has been quite a rough and devastating earthquake in Haiti. The whole country is under Code Red crisis. Don't you folks know that?
-That's the point! We know that! Actually we're so excited to get there, it's our first Code Red yet...Tons of stuff to do..
The older couple looks more relieved.
-Oh, you're working for the UN? Or a aiding fund organisation...
-No, we're tourists! the younger couple answered in a jiffy
-Tourists? But there's nothing to see there, at least not anymore...
-Of course there is : dead people, orphan kids, injured people, homeless people, sad people, crying people, hungry people, filthy people, desperate people. God, only the thought of it builds the excitement. We've taken 4 extra rolls of film for the cameras.
-You take photos of the desperation and devastation. What kind of people are you?
Marcia takes a photo album out of her handbag and starts flipping through it.
-Look, these were made last year in Aquila. The city looked so nice with the cracks in the buildings and torn concrete everywhere. Didn't it, honey?
Steve nods.
-We even met George Clooney! These were made a few years back in Indonesia when the volcano erupted. Top-class experience! We even got a kid killed. We had gave him a candy bar and soon other kids jumped on him and stabbed him to death to get the sweet. I imortalised the moments, but we've framed the photo and put it in our living room. It was one of the best moments spent as a couple, a defining one, for sure.
-I'm so proud of her! said Steve
The older couple kicks the album away with disgust.
-You people are......vultures!!!
They leave the queue, shouting at the younger male and female.
-We're going to donate money for the Haiti fund and to make them aware of scum like you two!
Marcia picks up the photo book.
-What's gotten into them? We were having such a nice talk there...
-Don't hate the player, hate the game. That's all I've got to say , honey.
They smile and kiss.
A few minutes later they pass through the metal detectors and have their passports looked at. The African American airport employee checks the names and looks at them.
-Where you headed, folks?
-Haiti! both Marcia and Steve answer simultaneously
-Haiti?......I hear it's great this time of year. Enjoy your holiday. Bon voyage!
You want more tourists in your country too? Well then, pray to God for a natural disaster at a grand scale and you'll see how digital cameras will flash into your face when you're about to mourn your next of kin. make it happen!!!
All rights reserved 2010 Tuemckey.
